A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she
collapses from a heart attack.
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband dials 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few
minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying over here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly. "They found
a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well how long will it take for him to get here?" she
asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband, practicing his
putting stroke. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play
through!"
A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the
way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a
delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft
the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was
blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could
tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay
quietly underneath the seats in front of her through out the
entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before
because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name,
said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would
you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady
replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch
his legs."
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete
standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off
the plane with a Seeing Eye dog ! The pilot was even wearing
sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change
planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about
your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
Grantland Rice
Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how
childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent
inability to count past five.
John Updike
It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place
the world is when one is playing golf.
Robert Lynd
If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball,
the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
Horace G. Hutchinson
They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf
is more complicated than that.
Gardner Dickinson
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as
they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
Sam Snead
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
William Wordsworth
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
Dean Martin
If you are going to throw a club, it is important to
throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have
to waste energy going back to pick it up.
Tommy Bolt
Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels
personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
Bishop Sheen
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes
they'd come up sliced.
Arnold Palmer
My handicap? Woods and irons.
Chris Codiroli
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody
would put a flag stick on top.
Pete Dye
I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible
time getting out of them!
Buddy Hackett
The only time my prayers are never answered is playing
golf.
Billy Graham
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up
the wrong golf ball.
Jack Lemmon
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls
while they are still rolling.
Mark Twain
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
Harry Vardon
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without
being good at either of them.
Jimmy DeMaret
May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still
waters.
Ben Hogan
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a
hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
All Us Hackers
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you
can't improve your lie.
George Deukmejian
And Finally. .
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think
music comes out of a bagpipe.
Lee Trevino
It was a sunny morning, a little before 8.00 AM on the
first hole of Army-Navy Country Club. My friend was
beginning his pre-shot routine visualizing his upcoming shot
when all of a sudden a piercing voice came over the club
house loud speaker, "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee
back up to the men's tee please!"
He could feel every eye on the course looking at him. He
was still deep in his preparation routine, seemingly
impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement, "Would the man on the woman's tee
kindly back up to the men's tee." He simply ignored the guy
and kept concentrating on his shot.
Once more, the loudspeaker blared loudly, "Please, would
the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee,
already!"
He finally stopped, turned, cupped his hands and shouted
back "Would the asshole with the microphone kindly be
quiet.......and let me play my second shot."
A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are
spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf.
You really know your way around the course. What's your
secret?
"Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short
par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this
hole my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the
green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few
yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in
my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman
holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The
detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club,
and puts her, hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me
down for a five."
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty
swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his
ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he
could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another
mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in
the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him
coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
"Got here in two, didn't I?"
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the
altar the groom was standing there with his golf bag and
clubs at his side.
She said "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going
to take all day, is it?"
The 10 Best Caddy Replies
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the
lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that
long, sir?"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on
this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved
most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy:
"Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the
world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too
much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the
time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not
a watch ............. it's a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good
sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played
on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an
hour ago."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy:
"It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
After playing 18 holes of golf, our foursome was sitting
in the clubhouse settling our bets when another golfer
stormed in. Fuming after a lousy round, he slammed down his
scorecard and announced, "If I wasn't married, I'd give this
stupid game up!"
G.O.L.F. --
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It
was ruled, "Gentlemen
Only. Ladies
Forbidden," and thus the word
GOLF entered the English
language.
In these days when flying has become humorless, here's a
short tale that may make you smile.
A buddy was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.
Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay,
and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the
plane would re-board in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was
blind. My buddy had noticed the man as he walked by and
could tell the man was blind because his guide dog lay
quietly underneath the seat in front of him. He could also
tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot
approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're
in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off
and stretch your legs?" The blind guy replied, "No thanks,
but maybe the dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture
this. All the people in the gate area came to a complete
quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk
off the plane with the guide dog! The pilot was even wearing
sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change
planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies
obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of
beer.
In golf you hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and
the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that,
the winner buys the drinks.
I wish I could play my normal game...just once.
Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your
foul balls.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the
snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life
is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the
shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase
“maul it again.”
A “gimme” can best be defined as an agreement between two
golfers... neither of whom can putt very well.
What is a Cat?
Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION:
Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block
away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then
try to give you a kiss.
They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet
you.
CONCLUSION:
Dogs are tiny men in little fur coats
Why I do not play golf with my wife!
A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples’
alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the
first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down
the middle of the fairway.
Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, “Just
hit it toward the green; anywhere around there will be
fine.”
The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.
Undaunted, the husband said “That's OK, Sweetheart,” and
spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found
it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the
shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the
hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in. His wife
proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.
Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his
skill and holed the shot from the bunker.
He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the
green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, “Honey,
that was a bogey, and that's OK, but I think we can do
better on the next hole.”
To which she replied, “Listen turkey, don't yell at me. Only
2 of those 5 shots were mine.”
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad
shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf
course is a straight line that passes directly through the
center of a very large tree.
There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and
bounces just the way you meant to play it.
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At
the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest,
and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual
vows of poverty,chastity, but his order also required
that he quit golf and never play again. This was
particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was
finally ordained a priest.
One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke
up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and
sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play
golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling
sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father
Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty
miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally
meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all,
it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the
Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed,
"You're not going to let him get away with this, are
you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not.
"Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot
straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it,
rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole
in one!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and
asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied,"Who is he going to
tell?"
DOGS...
The
Cat's Answer: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change
light bulbs. So, the real question is: how long will it be
before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?